It’s probably weird to share what I wrote in my journal this morning, but I sense that maybe someone out there could relate. You know when you are going through things and the Enemy immediately tries to make you feel isolated? Often times, my thoughts are that of, “No one can relate to this.” Or, “No one is talking about this, if they truly have gone through it.” Sometimes you feel like you are starting a new conversation in all of history of conversations. I know that’s not true.
You know how you buy a new car, and then all of a sudden you see EVERYONE driving that exact car? I think this is like that a little bit. You feel alone, until you share. You take the leap of faith and share what you are feeling with one person, and then she says, “me too.” And then, you start to flourish, perhaps make it your platform and continue to share it. Maybe it becomes the topic of a future speech that you would one day give? Who knows! Dream big!
Anyways, here I am, sharing what NO ONE has EVER experienced in all of humanity. I bet I’m the ONLY person on Earth that has struggled with this. *wink*
Straight from my journal:
“09.30.2019: I keep pushing for these illustrations – not knowing what to do or what’s right. I can’t see a “big picture” with it. I sense it’s too much right now and yet I keep pushing forward with it. I truly don’t know what to do. I’m assuming I’m not fully surrendered? I’m reminded of the last time I surrendered my business. Margo came next! An amazing – huge blessing stemming from surrender. So beautiful. I think illustrations is the one thing I feel like I can control or have control over. Why do I feel the need to have something like that in my life? I don’t see how God can use these illustrations as a Kingdom-grower, but that’s just me doubting who God is, and also putting myself as God and making me the ruler over all things. It shows my low-view of God and my lack of faith! Ugh! Thank you for showing this to me, Lord! Forgive me, please! Help me to see what you see. I doubted in college that you could use me in graphic design. So I chose Early Childhood Education and you brought me back to interior/graphic design!! Perhaps that’s what you had for me all along? And there I was, putting myself in your place, unable to see how you could possibly use it, and instead, choosing something more “obvious” of an impact. Gosh, please forgive me for this, Lord! You are reminding me of things and highlighting areas where I’ve sinned and stumbled and didn’t even know it! I praise you, Lord! You are the king of Kings! The lord of Lords! You know EVERYTHING. You created EVERYTHING.
You’ve given me these artistic and creative desires in my heart – AND the talent/abilities to fulfill them! You’ve made me so wonderfully! I love you so much! Lord, I sense that I am just going to “keep doing what you’re doing” and I KNOW and TRUST that you will be with me every step. Leading me, guiding me – opening doors and closing doors.
I want to do them. I want to work diligently for you. I’m so excited and kind of amazed at how many times I’ve gotten in my own way. Thank you Lord, for your patience with me. Your grace is so sweet. I can’t imagine how frustrating it would be to watch your creation stumble, fall and sin against you. How hurtful it would be for them/us to not seek you and know you. I would feel so misunderstood, hurt, lonely, annoyed, angry – so many eye-rolls – and yet, you do NONE of that. Your grace COVERS all of that. You love us so much. Despite everything. Wow, you are amazing. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for saving me from sin, and myself! Thank you for loving me through. It. All.
Straight from my journal. I won’t apologize for the emotional roller coaster, even though I want to – haha! I’m still unsure if there’s things in there that should be shared. But, it’s me. It’s my heart. I truly just desire to live for Him all the days of my life. I want to be who he created me to be. I want to be the artist he created me to be. I want to be the wife he created me to be. I want to be the mother that he created me to be. All from the beginning of time. He designed me (YOU) for a specific purpose. No one can do my job, no one can do your job. Let’s stick to the task He’s set before us! What does your task look like? What has he specifically designed for you? Where has he geographically placed you today? What gift has he given you to go out and share his glory?
I want to know!! Let’s keep this conversation (that i truly believe does not belong to JUST me) going. Have you been doing something for years, and sensing that there’s more He has for you?
“‘Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous – how well I know it.”
“‘I pray that from His glorious unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”
“Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.”